Appointments
by TinyTut83
Summary: FemShep/Liara pairing as they explore the psychological impacts of the events in ME1 and 2 in preparation for starting a family. Post ME3. *Chapters 1-9 have been rewritten and updated***
1. Intro

UPDATE: 10-5-2014 (See the end for A/N)

Bioware owns all. No money is being made. This is all for Fun.

Enjoy. PLEASE R&R.

It was quiet and calm inside the waiting room. Through the small window the artificial sun light was slowly dimming into night. In the corner sat two women, well actually one woman and one Asari.

Both were silent, and both were fidgeting. The women, dressed in black slacks and a grey turtleneck sweater, was drumming her fingers nervously against her leg and shifting her gaze around the room. To her left, the young asari was crossing and uncrossing her legs in an attempt to be more comfortable. Both of them knew It was important for them to be here, together, but neither were completely comfortable in a doctor's office. Let alone a shrink's office.

It had been 5 years since the defeat of the Reapers. 5 years since the wave of energy destroyed the monsters that had darkened the skies all throughout the know galaxy. Life was slowly rebuilding, worlds that had seen nothing but death and destruction were starting to see signs of hope and rebirth. The Geth had been a huge part of the rebuilding efforts, sending their fleets to all the major worlds.

After almost 6 months in a medically induced coma, and two years of intensive physical and mental therapy, Commander Ryan Shepard was ready to get started on all those "little blue children" she had promised her bondmate 8 years ago. Liara was also ready, but both agreed the had some personal issues to deal with first. All the fighting, all the killing and all the friends they had lost, they wanted to be sure they were both mentally and emotionally ready to start a famlly.

But none of this made the idea of baring their souls to a stranger any easier to swallow.

Finally Liara reached her hand over to still the drumming fingers of her partner, interlacing the pale digits with her own.

"Calm my love. I have seen you face down Krogan battle masters and rogue Specters and yet I have never seen you this nervous."

Shepard let out a sigh and her green eyes met her lover's gaze, "I'm sorry Liara, but shrinks have always rubbed me the wrong way. I don't like the idea of someone trying to get in my head, that's all."

"You did not seem to mind last night... or this morning as I recall," said Liara with a small chuckle, earning her a grin from the Commander.

"You know what I mean Dr. T'Soni, I never mind letting you in. But opening myself up to someone I have never met...maybe it's the Marine in me, but I just don't like the Idea of getting all touchy feely with someone I don't know."

"I know my love. Do not think I find the idea any more enjoyable than you, but we both agreed this is a step we must take before we start expanding our family. And this is a step we will take together, just as we have always have, we will face this challenge side by side," Liara kept her voice soft, and slowly rubbed her thumb along the knuckles of the hand she held.

The two resumed their silence until the inner office door opened and a petite grey haired human Woman greeted them,"Good evening. Commander Shepard, Dr. T'Soni, won't you please come in?"

The office was painted in rich browns and warm reds giving it an intimate feel. Two large leather chairs sat side by side in the center of the room facing a large desk. The woman motioned for the pair to be seated before taking her own seat behind the desk. Shepard took the seat to the right, Liara to the left. Once seated the two immediately reached for the other's hand in a show of support.

After briefly scanning an file the woman regarded the couple for a moment before speaking. She could tell they were both feeling a bit uneasy, something she commonly noticed in new clients, but neither seemed afraid to meet her gaze. Not that she expected anything less from the saviors of the known galaxy. To be honest when her assistant told her of her new clients she was a bit surprised, but intrigued, to find the most famous couple in Citadel space seeking her services. If anything she knew these sessions would be far from boring.

"Let me start by introducing myself, I am Dr. Diana Cooper and I have been a practicing psychologist for 22 years and my specialty is inter-species relationships. All of which I am sure you were aware of before you made this appointment. Now, which of you spoke to my assistant?"

"That would be me Doctor Cooper," Said Liara confidently. "Commander Shepard...Ryan... and I are considering starting a family, but we have both agreed some therapy would be helpful given the events of the past ten years before we make that sort of decision." She felt a small squeeze of her hand as she spoke. The unspoken love flowing from her bondmate.

"Wonderful," Dr. Cooper responded warmly. "I'm always pleased to see couples taking a proactive approach to their mental health. Now, I obviously know a bit of your history given your status, but I would like to hear it from you both. Why don't we start with how you met."

Shepard sighed and looked at wife, knowing this was going to be the start of a long session...

A/N: Hey I'm back! Check out my profile if you want details, or PM me. I'm re writing all these chapters, not changing much of the story just tweaking a bit to fit where I want this to go. I plan on having all the chapters redone tonight, and maybe even a new chapter up! Comments and Concerns are always welcome! Tut


	2. Meetings

As promised. Chapter 2.

Bioware owns all. No money is being made. This is all for Fun.

Author's note is at the end.

**Enjoy. PLEASE R&R.**

Shepard sighed and looked at her wife, knowing this was going to be the start of a long session...

''Ten years ago, just prior to the battle for the Citadel, I was just starting my investigation into Saren and the Geth. One of my first missions as a spectre was to locate an asari scientist who was said to be an expert on the Protheans. She also happened to be the daughter of Saren's second in command," Shepard paused and shared a sad smile with Liara at the mention of her mother, "Little did I know at the time I was searching for the love of my life. We had tracked Liara to a mine on Therum..."

_...The mission on Therum had started rather routinely. Yes some geth got in their way, and Ashley Williams finally learned that the scuttlebutt about the Commander's driving skills was true, but for Shepard nothing really stuck out in her mind until they reached the dig site._

_After clearing the P-ways and ladder wells that led to the second elevator, Shepard, Williams and Tali headed down to the next level. The site that greeted them was far from what Shepard had expected. It took all of her will power not to start laughing._

_**"You have got to be fucking kidding me," **__she thought to herself. __**"This is the daughter of the all-powerful matriarch? At least she's not half bad looking. But what kind of self-respecting scientist gets themselves stuck in a piece of 50,000 year old technology?''**_

_After a brief discussion the trio moved lower in the mine to attempt to find a way of freeing the young doctor..._

"... So we blast through the wall and take the platform lift up, and there's Liara just hanging there in midair, completely helpless, and looking cute as can be."

Looking back towards her mate, a roguish grin on her face Shepard added, "I know I've always said that it was your eyes that first attracted me to you, but looking back, it may have been the view I got stepping of that platform.."

The glare that was present on Liara's face was offset by the gleam in her eyes, "I will admit, I was not at all upset by the view of my hero in her amour racing to my rescue my love."

"Anyway, we pulled her out, killed a few more geth and a Kogan that had all been sent by Saren, out ran the collapsing mine and returned to the Normandy." With a shrug she added, "I guess it was one of the more exciting first dates I've been on."

The doctor made some notes on her and looked towards Liara, "Do you have anything you would like to add to that? What was your first impression of the Commander?"

''To be honest, I was somewhat frightened of her..." Liara said shyly, but added quickly, "I did not think she would harm me in any way, but seeing the Commander for the first time as she battled her way through swarms of geth just to save me was a bit…intimidating."

_The dig on Therum had been going well. Although Liara had yet to find any new evidence supporting her claims on the disappearance of the Protheans, she was enjoying being among the ruins of the ancient race. The quiet, almost peaceful nature of the site calmed her and cleared her mind. That was until the geth showed up._

_After raising the barrier curtain and accidently trapping herself in the security bubble, all Liara could do was wait. As minutes turned to hours her mind began to wonder. Visions of her mother's estate, memories of running through the gardens, and practicing her biotic skills with her mentors filled her mind._

_**"Oh mother, how ashamed will you be to hear of my fate?" **__Liara thought to herself. __**"To hear that your only daughter trapped herself in an abandoned mine while hiding like a child. You would not have backed away from the threat. You would not have been afraid."**_

"As you know Doctor, my mother was a very powerful woman, and cowardliness was something that was not tolerated well in our home. By hiding, I was going against everything I had been taught." Liara's refused to meet the gaze of either woman, preferring to stare at the floor in an attempt to hide her shame. She had never admitted how much her actions that day had embarrassed her.

Before the doctor could speak, Shepard was tugging at the small blue hand she had silently been holding. "Hey now, don't think like that. Do you really think your mother would be ashamed of you for out-smarting a hoard of geth and a krogan battle master? Do you think she would have rather lost her only daughter, who you know she loved, in a fire fight that you had no chance of winning?" She waited until her wife's blue eyes were meeting her own before continuing.

"She was proud of you Liara. Just as proud as I have always been of you. She knew the events of Therum when we confronted her on Noveria and one of the last things she said to you was how proud she was. Don't beat yourself up babe."

Shepard was rewarded with a smile before Liara continued her story…

_Unsure of how many attempts had been made to break past the barrier, time seem to pass slowly for the trapped asari, she was unaware of how long had truly passed. Hours? Days? And as time passed, her hope began to fade. Eventually she would die of dehydration, or worse, the krogan would find away in and she would be captured. Neither of these out comes were pleasant to dwell on, so Liara attempted to turn her mind's eye inward, reliving happy memories of her childhood._

_That was until she heard three distinctly non-krogan voices approaching her from above. Within a matter of moments it seemed, following some rather sporadic gun fire and interesting comments between her three would-be rescuers, Liara found herself face to face with two humans and a quarian. _

_**"Well this is interesting. If I was hallucinating I would assume my imagination would send me a team of asari commandos, not two human women and a quarian that hardly looks old enough to be out of her bubble."**__ Her mind raced as the older of the humans asked her a number of questions that seem to leave her more confused than before._

_She started to think they would never release her until finally they told her to hold on while they looked for a way past the barrier..._

"Although I never once heard any malice in the Commander's voice, the distrust and accusations were painful." Cutting her partner off before she could apologize, Liara quickly continued, "I know my love, you were just trying to see where my allegiance lay, and you had no reason not to be suspicious of me at the time. I hold no remorse or anger over the actions of that day. You, Tail and Ashley saved my life and from that day on you have treated me with nothing but respect and trust."

"It was one hell of a way to meet, like something out of those cheesy vids you like so much. A dashing hero rushes in to save the damsel in distress. After slaying the mighty krogan she whisks her away to her castle where they live happily ever after." Shepard smiled smugly, "You know, I doubt there was any way you could have stopped yourself from falling hopelessly in love with me babe."

With a playful slap to the arm Liara countered her wife's logic, "If we follow that line of reasoning dear, I could have just as easily fallen in love with Ashley or Tali instead of you..."

The expression on the commander's face as these options played out in her mind got her a chuckle from both women in the room.

"It is obvious you have both retained a sense of humor despite the struggles you have faced these past ten years," Doctor Cooper finally said. She had been observing the way the couple interacted as they told their sides of the story. A gentle squeeze of the hand, or a knowing grin that can only be shared between lovers, was passed completely naturally. Their silent form of communication was as involuntary as breathing for the pair. She had no doubt that the love and bond they had formed in the fire of battle was strong, but she knew there were serious topics that needed to be discussed before the two were ready to start their journey into parenthood.

"I am glad to see you are willing to be open and honest during these sessions. As we are running out of time today I would like to assign you a task before our next meeting. I want you to sit down together and talk about how your lives would be different if the battles against Saren and the Reapers had never taken place. If you had met each other in a bar or restaurant, how would your first reactions to each other been different?"

With that the doctor stood and led them to the door, "I will see you both next week."


	3. Reflections

**One thing I forgot to say at the start...l read a lot of the stories on FF and I do use them for inspiration. That being said, I am not out to steal anyone's work, so IF you notice a line or anything that looks familiar it was not intentional. I promise.**

**Now on with the show. Bioware owns all.**

The ride home was silent, both women lost in thought. Upon entering their condo Liara headed to the kitchen to make tea while Ryan checked her messages.

Seeing nothing of importance she kicked off her boots and dropped herself onto the couch, resting her feet on the coffee table. The memories of their first meeting on Therum and the conversations that followed made her smile. She could still remember the excitement in her lover's eyes as she related the events of Eden Prime, and the look of shock upon learning the true fate of the Protheans. Shepard had not been lying when she told her wife how attractive she found her body, but it was always her expressive doe eyes that warmed her heart.

When they started speaking more, one on one, the specter found her new crew member charming, intelligent, and even adorable in her social awkwardness. She started looking for reasons to venture into the small storage area turned sleeping quarters after missions. Sometimes they would discuss the day's events, or talk about upcoming operations, other times Liara would share stories of digs or her childhood. Before too long Shepard realized the young scientist had worked her way into the Marine's heart, a place she still occupies today.

From her spot in the kitchen Liara was also reminiscing about their early days together. After the initial excitement of her rescue wore off, the young asari had found herself struggling to identify the feelings she had for her commander. The human was certainty charming, brave, and intelligent, a true warrior. But what fascinated her was the compassion she showed for her crew. No one on the Normandy would call the Commander soft, but Liara could see that Ryan truly cared for the well-being of everyone on the ship.

Their bond grew out of small conversations, until Ilos there had been no grand show of emotions. They had both admitted their feelings, but their relationship was built on small gestures. A smile in passing, or a wink and a grin on the battlefield were just as meaningful as a declaration of love. By the time they were headed for the Mu Relay, a simple touch could ignite their shared passion, even though they had never exchanged a single kiss.

Placing the two cups of tea on the coffee table, Liara joined her bond mate on the couch, curling her legs beneath herself and resting her head on Shepard's shoulder. As an arm pulled her closer and a light kiss was placed on her head Liara broke the silence, "What are you thinking about?"

"Just thinking back to our days on the SR-1. I'm still trying to figure out how you managed to make me fall head over heels for you without me even noticing." Shepard smiled into her wife's crest, "I may have been in love with you on day one, but by the time we stole the Normandy, I knew that I belonged at your side and you at mine. Always."

Feeling her heart warm, Liara basked in her lover's words. Shepard had always been a woman of action, and although she knew from their joinings the depth of the commander's love, it was nice to hear. "I feel the same Ryan. In a short period of time I went from hardly knowing you, to knowing I could not be happy without you." She sighed and her face turned to sadness, "Remember, I had almost 2 years of trying to cope with living without you, plus the two weeks it took them to find you after the Crucible fired. It is something I do not wish to experience again."

Reaching a hand out to tilt her wife's chin the Commander kissed her softly, slowly, deeply, letting the act express the emotions and desires that were too strong for words. Time stood still until the couple pulled apart breathlessly. "I'm sorry Li, you know I would never willing leave your side. I love you babe, for now and forever I will do whatever it takes to be with you."

"I know my love," Liara replied, running her thumb along her wife's face, "I know."

Attempting to break the sadness of the moment Shepard grinned and asked, "So what do you think Li, what would have happened if I met you in a bar instead of in the heat of battle?"

Liara laughed softly and said, "I cannot imagine myself willingly going into a bar, alone, prior to meeting you. But if I had, even though I would have found you attractive, I doubt I would have approached you Shepard. As I said, you are a very intimidating woman, and until we met my dealings with humans had been very limited and awkward. Besides that, would you have even noticed me in a bar? A plain, simple maiden does not stand out in most establishments. Surely the waitresses and dancers would earn your attention before me."

"Well, you are right on one point, I can't see you hanging out at a bar." Shepard said. "And if you were, and we somehow started talking I doubt we would have much to say. Before all this started I hadn't heard of the Protheans and you wouldn't have a full understanding of my charming ways. But don't think for a moment you would be overshadowed by the dancers. I've always preferred bookworms. You've got the brains, the body and the biotics babe. A complete package."

"Thank you love. But I think we can both agree our initial physical attraction would not have led to a lasting relationship." Liara sighed, "Maybe that is the point of this exercise, what is the foundation of our bond? Did we merely join out of loneliness and fear of death? Once the galaxy returns to its normal pace and we are left alone, what will keep us together?"

Her mind was racing with questions. Outside their shared expertness during the war the pair had very little in common.

_"Would she leave me once I became heavy with our child?" _Lara asked herself._ "What if she found a more attractive mate? l would not be able to make her stay, but by the Goddess I can't lose her."_

As if reading the troubled thoughts coming from the woman in her arms, Shepard tightened her hug, "Relax babe. Nothing is going to break us apart. Sure, if we had met under different circumstances our relationship wouldn't have taken of the way it did, but that doesn't make what we have any less real."

Shifting so she could look into Liara's eyes she added, "Our relationship is built on love, trust, and respect. Nothing can shake that kind of foundation." Shepard captured the blue lips of her mate and kissed them soundly. Both her arms wrapped around the asari's smaller frame pulling their bodies closer together. Putting to use her knowledge of Liara's body she ran a single fingertip up her wife's spine which led to a moan allowing her tongue the entrance it had been seeking.

Liara shifted her weight, pushing the commander into the cushions of the sofa, her arms wrapped around her neck. She too knew her mate's body and with a few light touches both were nearing the point of no return. There were still things that needed to be discussed, but tonight both just felt the need to reassure the other of their love. The morning would bring time to talk. Tonight, there would be no need for words.

**A/N: Yes I'm still "fading to black" in these rewrites….maybe later on I'll feel more comfortable to write a bit of fluffy smut.**

**Tut**


	4. Guilt and Grief

Bioware owns all.

Another week, another appointment. It had been a busy few days in the Shepard-T'Soni household. Between Council meetings, Alliance meetings, and the never ending paperwork that came with being "Heroes of The Galaxy" it seemed the couple hardly saw each other. It wasn't until Liara reminded her this morning that Shepard realized it was time for another session with Dr. Cooper.

If she was honest with herself the specter was not looking forward to it. During their conversation after the last appointment she had notice the doubt and maybe even some fear in her lover's eyes. Even though their joining that night had been deep, and very pleasurable, Shepard had felt Liara's doubt hidden in the depths of her mind.

"What is she hiding?" she wondered silently as she approached the doctor's office. Her meeting had ran late so she agreed to meet Liara instead of riding together. The first appointment had gone smoothly, but Shepard knew they wouldn't all be about happy memories. ~

Liara had been waiting only a few minutes when she saw Shepard walk into the office. She had been slightly worried that her partner would be late. She was happy to see that they were both following through on their commitment to seek counseling. The asari wanted nothing more than to start a family, but between her own doubt and Shepard's use of humor to avoid serious conversations, she knew they were not quite ready.

Smiling at Shepard as she dropped into the empty chair, Liara leaned over and gave her a soft kiss. "I am glad you made it."

"Me too babe. I didn't think that meeting would ever end," Shepard replied while taking Liara's hand in her own. "You ready for round two with the good doctor?"

"You make it sound like we are going into battle love; this is a simple appointment to help us prepare for our future family." Liara said warmly. "There is nothing to fear... unless you are having second thoughts...''

Shepard quickly cut her off, "Not a chance Li. I'm in this for the long haul." Giving her hand a gentle squeeze she added, "So don't think you're gonna get rid of me that easy.''

"I would never try to rid myself of your presence Shepard..."Liara said, slightly confused.

"I know Hun. It was a joke." Shepard said with a grin.

Before Liara could respond the doctor beckoned them into the inner office. After they were all comfortable seated she said, "I'm glad to see you both. How are you doing?"

"Fine, thank you doctor," replied Liara while Shepard simply nodded.

"Good. I'm looking forward to a productive session. Last time we spoke about how you met. I've had some time to look over your files some more and I would like to skip ahead a little and talk about the events on Noveria.'' As she had expected, both of her clients visibly tensed at the mention of the fridge planet. What she found interesting was the fact that, like before, the women grasped hands, but they didn't look at each other. Liara simply looked at the floor, while Shepard stared at a spot behind the doctor's head, her jaw clenched and eyes unfocused.

"I understand this must have been a difficult mission for you both. Liara, tell me about that day, as you remember it.'' Dr. Cooper prompted. Although she had read all the mission reports, she was interested to see how her clients remembered the day, and more importantly how they reacted to each other's tale.

Taking a moment to collect her thoughts Liara tried to keep her voice steady as she spoke, "The mission to Noveria was nothing out of the ordinary when we first arrived. Commander Shepard had received reports that there were Geth in the area and we were to investigate. Chief Williams and I accompanied the Commander. Shortly after we arrived we learned that Benezia was on the planet….."

_After passing through security the trio made their way up to the welcome desk. Liara had been glad that the security team had been issued orders to stand down. Although they would not have been much of challenge for the group, she hated the idea of battling with law enforcement personnel who were just trying to do their job._

_While Shepard was talking to Gianna Parasini Liara took a moment to look at her surroundings. Everything looked so sterile, and dull, very corporate and boring. It wasn't until her mother's name was mentioned that her attention was snapped back to the conversation being had in front of her._

_**"She is here. By the Goddess what am I going to do?"**____Liara still could not understand what forces had led her mother down the path she had taken. Her mind was filled with questions and her heart was filled with fear. __**"Can I talk her into coming with us peacefully? What if she attacks?"**_

_Looking at Shepard, she knew the anxiety had to be plainly written on her face. Liara asked if the commander wished to speak with her before the continued. The words she heard melted her fears and steeled her resolve, "I trust you Liara..."_

''She trusted me to do what had to be done, even when I did not have the same trust in myself," Liara said quietly. While she had been talking she had released her lover's hand. Her own hands were fidgeting nervously in her lap, her eyes still focused on the floor.

"Commander, do you have anything to say about this?" Dr. Cooper had noticed the sadness in Shepard's eyes as Liara spoke. Initially her plan for this session had been for Shepard to help Liara through the grief she had over her Mother's death. But now, seeing the pain both women were in at just the mention of that day, the doctor started to wonder if either had truly dealt with the event.

"Liara was a member of my crew, I trusted all of them," Shepard said flatly, doing her best to mask her feelings behind her "Command-Face."

The doctor knew what Shepard was doing. Detaching herself from the situation and falling back into command mode was a common coping skill used by soldiers in the heat of battle. But Liara needed Shepard the Wife and lover, not the warrior, to be here.

With that in mind, Dr. Cooper asked, "So you are saying you were willing to order any member of your crew to execute their own mother?" The anger that flashed across the woman's face told the doctor her plan was working, the mask was starting to slip.

"I pulled the trigger, not her," Shepard replied, fighting to keep her voice calm.

"My apologies," the doctor said before driving her point home, "So you are saying you trusted your crew to stand back and watch while you murdered their loved ones?" Her tone was clinical, but it provoked the response she was hoping for.

Shepard jumped to her feet and slammed her palm into the top of the desk that separated her from the therapist "No!" Her voice was strained, "I thought we could save her. Had I known..." her voice broke and she dropped back into her chair. "I was stupid."

Looking at her wife, who had remained silent during the exchange, Ryan sighed. The few tears that had escaped Liara's eyes were too much for the Specter, "I'm so sorry Li, l should have sent you back to the ship. Hell, I shouldn't have brought you in the first place. I wanted to believe that with you there she would listen to reason."

The guilt she felt from that day, guilt she had long kept hidden, was overwhelming her mind. She had not only killed the mother of her soul mate, she had made Liara watch. Other than a brief post mission chat, the couple never spoke of that day. It was one of a handful of topics they never spoke of, whether out of guilt or fear. Shepard remembered the events as if they had happened yesterday, not five years ago….

…_..The Matriarch mocked them, threw her commandos at them, brushed them aside like rag dolls with her biotics. Liara fought hard, fought bravely, even though her pain and confusion was apparent on her face. When the matriarch broke free of the indoctrination, in that brief moment, and explained Saren's plan and told Liara how proud she was of her, Shepard almost broke at the look on her friend's face. Liara looked like a small child, confused and afraid, and it that moment Shepard knew how the mission would end. Knew how it must end…she knew she had to be the one to pull the trigger….._

"Liara, Can you ever forgive me for taking you on that godforsaken mission? For killing your mother, for failing you?" Shepard's voice was hardly a whisper.

Blue eyes rose to meet green, both moist with unshed tears. The guilt radiating off her bond mate was overwhelming Liara's senses. Her own sorrow and pain surely could be felt by Shepard. Even before they bonded they had been very adept and reading each other's feelings.

Liara knew what her lover needed to hear, but the words that came next were straight from her heart, delivered with a painful whisper, "No my love, I can not."


	5. Forgiving and Letting Go

**Bioware owns all.**

A/N: I don't have a Beta, as Im sure you can tell….anyone wanna help out? 

Liara knew what her lover needed to hear, but the words that came next were straight from her heart, delivered with a painful whisper, "No my love, I can not."

Shepard's heart sank and she dropped her lover's gaze. Time stopped as her mind tried to wrap itself around the words. She struggled to form a response. "Liara, I..."

"No," Liara said firmly, her voice filled with a confidence she did not feel in her heart. "I can not forgive you for taking me on that mission or for killing my mother," the words twisted the knife in Shepard's heart.

Shepard shut her eyes, and bit the inside of her cheek in an attempt to stop the tears that were threatening to fall. _"How can this be happening?"_ Shepard's mind screamed. _"How could she stand by my side and share my bed for all these years if she never forgave me?"_ The pain in her chest was making it difficult to breathe. She was reminded of her "death" all those years ago in the vacuum of space.

It wasn't until I she felt a hand on her knee that even realized Liara had risen from her chair and was now kneeling before the broken hero. Her voice was soft, but firm when she spoke, "Ryan. Look at me."

Shepard forced her eyes to meet Liara's and she felt her hands being gathered into her wife's smaller ones. For a moment no words were spoken, blue eyes filled with grief and pain searched green eyes finding only guilt and sorrow.

Liara kept her gaze steady as she said, "My love, I do not have it in my power to forgive you for that day because in my heart I find nothing about your actions that needs forgiven."

She pulled the human's hands and held them firmly against her chest, letting her feel the rhythm of her heart. "You allowed me to speak to my mother one final time. I was permitted to see that her mind was not her own and that her heart was filled with good intentions. I will not forgive you for killing my mother Shepard because you did not kill her. You freed her."

Ignoring the tear she could feel sliding down her own cheek, Liara reached out and placed a hand on her lover's face and said, "Forgive yourself Ryan. Do not let this guilt consume you my love. I need you."

Shepard felt the relief wash over her being and leaned slightly into the warmth of Liara's hand. The pulse of her lover's heart under her hand grounded her and brought her back from her near panic attack.

She could plainly see the love in her wife's eyes, but she could also see the grief_. "I need you."_ The words echoed in her head. _"I've been so lost in my own guilt I failed to help her grieve. She needs me."_

Standing and pulling her wife to her feet Shepard wrapped her arms around her in a tight embrace. She spoke softly, her breath ticking the asari's ear, "Liara my love, thank you. You always know how to break through my thick skull. This guilt won't keep me from you another moment."

Pulling her head back slightly so she could look into her eyes Shepard continued, "I see your grief and pain. You have been strong for me all these years. Let me be strong for you babe," she then echoed Liara's own words back to her, "Don't let this grief consume you."

With those words the dam broke loose. Ten years of unshed tears and long buried emotions flooded Liara and she wept. She clung to her lover as the sobs racked her body. She cried the tears she had never cried for her mother, for her lost childhood and for her future. Her children would never know their grandmother. They would not know the warmth and kindness she had possessed.

Doctor Cooper had sat silently while the couple spoke, amazed at how open they were with each other. It had only taken a small amount of prodding to unmask the Commander's grief. That was surprising. But not as surprising as the way Liara dealt with it. She had known simple words of forgiveness would not soothe her partner's guilt. She had known Shepard needed to forgive herself above all.

Watching the human comfort the maiden the doctor was amazed with how quickly Shepard saw through her own pain and saw the need to grieve in her lover's eyes. There was no question that these events needed to be addressed further, but Dr. Cooper was glad to see them sharing their pain.

She gave the couple a few more moments before softly clearing her throat and speaking, "Commander, Dr. T'Soni, I think we have made some important progress today." She watched as Shepard sat Liara gently in her chair, resting a hand protectively on her shoulder as she stood at her side. "But I think we can all agree there Is more work to be done."

Shepard nodded in agreement, and then spoke for the both of them, "You're right Doc." Liara was too exhausted to offer any more than a weak smile.

"Good. Then Commander, I think you should take your wife home and pickup this conversation when you are both ready. As for next week, I would like to see you each individually. I'll have my assistant contact you tomorrow.'' She smiled warmly as she rose to show them out. "Have a pleasant evening."

The ride home was once again silent. Liara dozed in the passenger seat, her mind and body worn down by her emotional release. Shepard watched her out of the corner of her eye, noting the rhythmic rise and fall of her chest. Her face was stained with dried tears, and before closing them her eyes had been swollen and bloodshot. Still, to Shepard, she was the most beautiful creature she had ever seen.

Shifting her gaze out the window she sighed. Today had been hard. Seeing Liara break down like that and knowing in some way she had caused that grief was not easy to swallow. But knowing Liara had been hiding this grief for so long was the real kick in the pants.

_"How could I be so blind?"_ Shepard asked herself. _"Why didn't I go to her after Noveria?" _She knew the answer of course, fear. They had just begun to explore their mutual attraction for each other prior to going to Noveria. Then all hell broke loose.

First she was forced to kill Benezia, and then came Virmire where she was forced to choose between the lives of her two friends_..."Oh Kaidan, I'm so sorry I couldn't save you both."_

After that everything was a blur. The Normandy was grounded, the council was ignoring the Reaper threat, and her entire crew was looking to her for guidance. "None of us had time to process our grief."

Then came Ilos, the race to save the Citadel, the Council, and destroy Sovereign. Weeks of recovery, meetings, awards banquets, and interviews followed. Before Shepard had time to blink the Normandy and her crew were being sent to fight geth. And then she died. Sighing again as she parked Shepard moved around the vehicle and lifted her wife out, cradling her gently as she carried her into their home.

Liara awoke as she was being lifted and wrapped her arms around her lover's neck, burying her face in her shoulder. She inhaled the warm scent that was uniquely Shepard and smiled at the memories it evoked. Their first joining before Ilos. The nights she held the recovering Hero after the battle for the Citadel had been won. Their last joining, just hours before the collector attack.

_"Oh my love,"_ she thought to herself_, "if you only knew how many times I replayed that night in my mind after your death."_ Tightening her grip Liara placed a soft kiss at the base of her lover's neck, happy to feel the pulse beneath her lips.

Stopping just inside the bedroom, Shepard kissed the asari's crest before slowly allowing her feet to lower to the floor. Keeping Liara's body held firmly against her own, she kissed her softly, before pulling back and saying, "I love you Liara T'Soni."

Liara simply smiled before stealing her own kiss. A kiss that was not nearly as soft, nor as chaste. Running her fingers through the soft short hair on her lover's head, she deepened the kiss. She pressed her body as tightly as she could against Shepard's, and felt familiar hands gripping her hips.

For long moments neither was aware of anything other than the places their bodies met. Hip met hip. Breast met breast. Tongue battled tongue. Liara need to feel something other than grief. Shepard needed to take her lover's pain away. They both just wanted to feel alive.

Eventually they pulled apart, just enough to break the kiss, their foreheads resting against each-other. "I love you too Ryan Shepard," Liara said breathlessly.

"We need to talk, and when you are ready, I'm here," Shepard said quietly.

Cupping her wife's face gently Liara smiled, "I know my love. It has been a long day. Let me shower while you find us something to eat. Then we shall talk." With a quick kiss she removed herself from her wife's embrace and headed towards the bathroom.

Shepard took a moment to collect her thoughts, and cool her desire. The conversation would be hard, but together she knew they could weather the storm.


	6. Moving on with Memories

**Bioware owns all.****  
><strong> 

The water was hot, washing away the stiffness in her neck. She had been standing under the spray for nearly ten minutes, and knew she should be joining Shepard for dinner, but she wasn't ready. They need to talk, they needed to come to terms with that day. That was the point of these sessions, to help them accept the past and plan for the future.

Turning of the water, Liara stood in front of the mirror drying herself. She had never really spent much thought on her looks before meeting Shepard. She knew most humans considered all asaris attractive, as evident from her conversations with Joker, but she had never considered herself a beauty compared with the rest of her race. Her face had always been too full, her body not as tone as her commando counter parts, nor her breasts as prominent as the dancers she had seen others admire.

She traced a finger down her side where a thin scar ran from just under her breast to just above her hip, a reminder of their battle against Sovereign. That was the first time she thought she had lost Shepard. Just a few months later she did.

First losing her mother, then her lover had taken a toll on the young innocent maiden she had once been. She was stronger, more confident in herself and her abilities. She was less awkward and more aware of her body. She had matured greatly during the two darkest years of her young life.

Liara wondered into the bedroom, tossing her towel in the hamper as she went, stopping near the bed to grab her long silk robe. Slipping it on and pulling the ties shut she made her way to the kitchen where she found Shepard leaning against the counter sipping a cup of coffee.

The human had changed into a pair of loose fitting sleep pants and a tank top. Liara smiled as she neared her wife taking in the view. Shepard had always looked good in her uniforms, but the unisex military clothes hid her true beauty. Her soft neckline, the swell of her breasts, and the gentle curves of her hips always inflamed the desire in Liara's heart. This was her wife, her bond mate, the woman she had chosen as her partner, and that made the young asari swell with pride.

Without speaking she took the mug from Shepard's hands and placed it aside. Wrapping her arms around the neck she had just been admiring she kissed the woman soundly, tasting the coffee on her lips.

"Thank you for waiting my love. I feel much more refreshed," Liara said after breaking the kiss.

"I'm glad babe. I put a frozen pizza in the oven, should be done In a few minutes." Shepard said, resting her hands on her wife's hips. "Do you want to eat then talk, or talk while we eat?"

"Food first. Let us not ruin our meal with what is sure to be an emotional conversation."

"Sure thing. I'm here for you Liara. We can take as much time as you need." Shepard said softly.

Liara sighed and leaned into their embrace, softly kissing the human's neck. "Shepard, thank you for being so supportive. But I'm not the only one who needs to talk about this." She felt the woman stiffen in her arms.

Pulling back she looked into Shepard's eyes knowingly but didn't push the issue. Instead she pulled away gently and moved to get some plates for their meal, leaving the soldier lost in her own thoughts.  
>After a while they were both sitting around the table enjoying their simple meal. They kept their conversational topics to the mundane. Shepard spoke of her meetings, Liara of her current research. At other times they just sat quietly, both lost in thought.<p>

Finishing, they adjourned to the living room, Liara bringing a glass of wine, her partner a glass of scotch. Settling on the couch, close enough to touch, but giving each other the space they needed, both women silently sipped their drinks. The subject was a hard one to discuss. In all honestly it was one the pair had never really talked about.

Sighing, Shepard to a swig from her glass before setting it on the coffee table and turning slightly to look at her wife. "Li, I want you to know, before we get into this, that I love you. You are my best friend, and I hope you know that."

"You are my best friend as well. And I love you with all my being. I also know that you have a great ability for harboring guilt and blame. I want you to know there is no place for that here. Not between us. Ever." Liara said firmly.

"I don't know how you can feel that way," Shepard said quietly, her gaze now fixed on the floor. "I killed your mother. I know you said I freed her, but facts are facts. I pulled that trigger, I ended her life, and worst of all I did it right in front of you. At the time she was your only family, and I made you an orphan."

"You had no choice, none of us did. You could not have saved her, and I know that. Had I not been there, do you this it would have been easier for me to understand her death? Even knowing the effects of the indoctrination, had I not had the chance to speak to her, and learn her motives, I would have gone through my life thinking my mother was a traitor to the galaxy. And she would have died alone..." her voice faltered slightly as she remembered watching the life fade from her mother's eyes.

"I'm so sorry babe. Regardless of how things played out, you still had to watch your mom die, and you didn't even have time to grieve before we jumped into the next fight. I should have come to you then, and helped you through it but..." Shepard paused, taking another long pull from her glass before turning to look at her wife. "I was a freaking coward."

"A coward? Shepard, you have been called many thinks over the years, but never a coward. Why would you ever consider yourself a coward?" Liara set down her wine glass and took her lover's hand, rubbing her thumb slowly across the scarred knuckles.

"When we got back to the ship, after the debriefing, and after we spoke in your quarters, I went to my room and composed a message to my mom. I told her about you, how I was falling for you, and how I had just killed your mom in battle. I told her about the brief conversation you and I had, and asked what I should do..." lowering her gaze, but tightening the grip on the hand she held, the Spectre swallowed hard before continuing.

"She told me what I already knew. That you needed a friend, a shoulder to cry on, and time. But as much as I wanted to, I gave you none of those things. I was so wrapped up in the mission, and so afraid that you would hate me for what happened, that I hid." Shepard looked back into the blue eyes that were starting to glisten with un-shed tears, "I'm sorry I wasn't there for you Liara, I'm sorry I wasn't a better friend."

Smiling sadly, the asari leaned closer to her mate and softly said, "I forgive you for any wrong you think you have committed towards me my love. I just wish you could have known mother before...well before everything."

Wrapping her arms around Liara, Shepard pulled her into a warm embraced, "Me too babe, me too. But why don't you tell me about her, I would love to know about Benezia the mom, instead of just Benezia the Matriarch."

Liara wrapped her arms around the warm body of the commander and nuzzled her face against her neck, "I would like that."

For the next two hours the couple sat holding each other while Liara spoke of being raised by a powerful leader of her people, who was still willing to take the time to read her young daughter a bedtime story. She talked about the fights between mother and daughter when it came to her choice of studies, and the last time she remembered hugging her mom, on the night of her 100th birthday. She shed tears of both happiness and sorrow, and by the time she was done she felt a lightness in her heart that she had not felt in in a long time.

Strangely Shepard also felt a sense of relief by the end of the night. In a small way she felt like she had finally been able to be the friend and shoulder that her wife had needed all those years ago. She also felt closer to Benezia, now she saw her as her bond mate's mother, a warm caring person who had raised a strong loving daughter.

Kissing her wife on the top of the head Shepard whispered, "Thank you for sharing your memories with me Li."

"Thank you my love, for giving me a chance to reach some closure. I miss my mother, but I know her memory will live on. Now," Liara said as she untangled herself and stood, "it has been a long emotional day."

Shepard stood and stole a quick kiss before asking "Bed?"

"Bed."


	7. Dealing with Death

Bioware owns all.

AN at the end as always.

R/R if you please.

"Ok Doc, I'm here, alone as you asked. So what will we be chatting about today?" Shepard asked, not quite relaxing into her chair in the doctor's office.

It had been a few days since the last time the commander had been here. Liara's appointment was scheduled for the day after tomorrow. Shepard had been feeling better since the last appointment. The night spent talking with her wife had cleansed her soul from some of the guilt she had been carrying for the past years. Some, but not all. But now that she found herself face-to-face with the good doctor for another session, that old feeling of uneasiness crept back into her mind, and she found herself missing her wife's comforting presence.

"Well commander, as you know I wanted to talk to you and your wife each individually before we get into more sessions," Dr. Cooper said, folding her hands and looking over the desk. "I can see you two have a very close connection, I was wondering if you could tell me a little bit about how you view your relationship with Dr. T'soni?"

The spectre smiled to herself as the memories washed over her, "Well Doc, what can I say. She is my everything. My best friend, my lover, my sanity. She pulls me back from the edge, and kicks me in the butt when I need it."

"Sounds like you are the perfect couple."

"No, not perfect. We have had some issues over the years," Shepard replied, "but we got through it. I mean, we were under a bit of stress, we were trying to save the known galaxy."

"I can't pretend to understand the pressure you were under. I'm sure trying to maintain a normal relationship while saving the galaxy was difficult. How did you manage?" the doctor asked.

"Well, once we defeated Saren, we spent a few months on the Citadel while the Normandy was being repaired and we were both recovering from some of our battle scars. That gave us a chance to pretend, at least for a little while that we had a normal life." Sighing, Shepard continued, "Of course shortly after that I died and that screwed things up a bit."

"I'm curious commander, the official reports are a bit vague on the issues. What really happened when the Normandy was lost? Some say that you faked your death to go under cover, while others hint that you really were killed and then brought back to life by a terrorist group."

Shifting in her seat the spectre looked around the room for something other than the doctor's questioning gaze to focus on. "I died Doc. It wasn't some cover up, or plot. I was dead, worm food. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. I got spaced and my air supply got torn in the explosion. I slowly suffocated while I watched the Normandy get torn apart over that god forsaken planet..."

_It was like something out of a bad vid. As the momentum from the blast carried her away from the exploding ship all she could think of was her lover. __**"She is going to be so pissed when she finds out I'm not in that pod with Joker."**_

_An amusing image of the angry asari, arms crossed and foot tapping on the floor as the rescue ship fished the helplessly floating commander from the endless vacuums of space flashed in her mind.__**"The alliance better not take too long, I'm gonna get motion sick just spinning around up here,**__"__ she joked with herself._

_In an instant though, the smile was torn from her face as the hissing noise caught her attention. It was getting harder to breathe, her HUD readout on her faceplate showed her O2 levels were dropping as her suite started pumping her full of stims to keep her awake. Reaching in vein for the leaking hose on her back, her lungs burning with the need for air, the gravity of the situation hit the young officer. __**"I'm going to fucking die. Oh shit, this it not going to be pleasant."**_

_The pain was getting worse, the more she struggled to breathe the more stims and medi-gel her suite pumped into her system. The advanced piece of military technology was actually keeping her from losing conciseness, forcing her to endure every last moment of her death._

_Again her thoughts turned to her lover. __**"I made her a war widow before I even had a chance to ask her to marry me."**____An image of the heart broken woman tore at the spectre's heart. "I'm sorry my love, please forgive me Liara..."_

"..she was the last thing I remember thinking of before my body finally shut down." Her voice had grown quiet as she told her story, and then in a whisper she added, "And she was the first thing I thought of when I woke up two years later."

The doctor studied the woman in front of her for a few moments. She had helped many patients deal with the death of a loved one, but never before had she dealt with someone's own death. "I'm very sorry commander. I can't even begin to imagine what those last few moments must have been like for you. When you were revived two years later, how did you cope with the knowledge that you had been dead?"

The commander met the doctor's eyes this time and with a sarcastic chuckle she replied, "Well doc, I woke up a little earlier than they had wanted me to. The facility I was in had been sabotaged and we were under attack back the security mecs. Within thirty minutes of waking up I had a gun in my hand, had battled my way across the station and was sitting in a shuttle with two operatives of an organization that I hated. I coped by blowing shit up, pissing people off, and drinking myself to sleep every night."

"Not the healthiest of options," the doctor added gently.

"No, but it worked. I had people lying to me on all sides. I was told Liara was working for the Shadow Broker, I had my best friend and fellow Marine call me a traitor and to top it all off the Council and the Alliance wanted nothing to do with me. I was alone, hurt, and angry," the commander said coldly, the rage clearly evident in her eyes, even if her voice was steady.

"You felt betrayed, abandoned and forgotten."

"Damn straight I did!" The reply came, joined by a closed fist smashing down on the armrest of her seat. "My crew and I saved the fucking galaxy. I died hunting down geth while everyone ignored the real threat. And yet no one, not my friends, not my commanding officers, not my fellow soldiers, or even the love of my life could give me the time of day! No one even asked me how I was feeling or how I was doing emotionally until I finally got Liara alone."

The pain was evident in the young woman's eyes as the doctor listened to her rant. The doctor knew the best thing was to keep her going while the emotions were raw. "Tell me what happened when you first saw Dr. T'Soni."

Biting down hard on the inside of her cheek, Shepard tried to push the flood of emotions down that threatened to overwhelm her as she thought of that first meeting on Illium. It hurt so much to remember seeing the cold, emotionless woman her lover had become...

Questions, comments, concerns, flames, you know what button to push!

**Tut**


	8. Dealing with Expectations

**Bioware owns all****  
><strong> 

Biting down hard on the inside of her cheek, Shepard tried to push the flood of emotions down that threatened to overwhelm her as she thought of that first meeting on Illium. It hurt so much to remember seeing the cold, emotionless woman her lover had become...

"It wasn't what I had expected at all doc," the commander said quietly. "Liara wasn't the woman I remembered. She wasn't the woman I needed her to be."

"What do you mean?" Doctor Cooper asked.

Closing her eyes Shepard thought back to that day, "I had been awake for almost a month before I made it to Illium. Between recruiting crew members, talking with the Council and running errands for the Illusive Man I had hardly had time to breathe, let alone track Liara down..."

_Walking through the docking bay, with Tali and Garrus flaking her, Shepard hardly understood a word coming from the asari that met them. All she heard was "Blah Blah, docking fees, Blah Blah, Liara." before she tuned out._

_**"Oh my god, she's here."**____The human thought to herself. __**"Liara is here, on this planet, just a few hundred yards away. And she knows I'm alive." **_

_Hope, joy, anticipation all flooded through her chest. Quickly followed by confusion._

_**"Why hasn't she contacted me?"**_

_Fear, hurt and dread settled in her gut._

_Walking across the trading floor she vaguely heard an asari call her name, then a human woman seemed to be talking to her, but her feet kept moving. Pausing at the bottom of the stairs she swallowed hard. __**"Come on Marine, just a few more feet!"**__ She told herself._

_Griping the railing Shepard willed her legs to keep moving, one step at a time. The pounding of her heart was almost deafening as she reached to the top of the stairs. Knowing the woman of her heart, the asari that had filled every waking moment of her second life, the face that had filled her every dream, was just steps beyond the door to her left was almost too much for the commander to handle._

_She spoke briefly with the assistant seated at the desk before she turned to the door. __**"This is it sailor,"**__she thought__, __**"the moment you've been dreaming of. Don't screw this up."**_

_Sparing a brief glance at her comrades, she steeled herself. Straightening her back, lifting her chin and squaring her shoulders she whispered, "Geronimo."_

"But the woman on the other side of those doors was a stranger doc," Shepard finished softly.

"What do you mean?" The doctor prodded.

"I mean," the commander continued, a hint of anger in her voice, "that wasn't Doctor Liara T'Soni. Sure it looked like her, a pale hardened version of her. And for a fraction of a moment, when she turned towards me her eyes lit up, her expression softened and she rushed to my arms, I could almost pretend it was her."

Scowling at the floor, her fist clenched the spectre paused to collect herself. Her voice wavered slightly as she continued, "The next thing I knew she was kissing me, the softest kiss I had ever felt. Like she was afraid I would disappear or something if she kissed me too hard, ya know?" Her eyes were moist as she looked back up at the psychiatrist.

"In that brief moment, for those few seconds, she was mine again..."

_Everything moved in slow motion. She saw Liara come towards her, as the rest of the room faded away. Her hands were gently taken up, her body reacting to even the slightest touch. Her breathe caught her in throat and her heart pounded in her chest as Shepard inhaled the intoxicating scent that belonged only to her lover. "A mixture of oceans breeze and electricity," she had once said._

_She was sure Tali and Garrus could feel the heat between them as they leaned closer. Her every nerve was tingling as she felt Liara's warm breath on her cheek. The lips that were being pressed against her own were as soft and as sweet as she had remembered. She couldn't control the small whimper that betrayed her as the all too short kiss ended._

_All at once reality slammed back into place as her hands were dropped and the mask hardened over the face in front of her. Just like that the moment ended, and her heart broke._

"...and then my Liara was gone. Replaced by this...this thing. This monster. She treated me like some hired goon. Paying me to hack terminals, and gather data for her. For a while I thought she might have been under some type of mind control. Ya know, like her mom had been on Noveria?"

The doctor felt for the woman, the look in her eyes was one of confusion, of hurt. She had been angry when she spoke of how her return had been treated by her fellow marines and the council, but as she spoke of Liara, her tone had softened. She was angry at what Liara had become, but not at the young maiden herself. "I'm sure that was hard on both of you commander. I'm very interested to hear about how you two overcame the deep emotional scars that were obviously present that day, and how you rekindled the passion you now share. But first, let me ask, how long did it take before you were both comfortable talking about the reunion you faced that day?"

Furrowing her brows Shepard asked, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, when did you finally sit down, and talk about that day with Dr. T'Soni? How long did it take for you to tell her how hurt you were?" The doctor asked, feeling she already knew the answer.

Thinking for a moment the spectre sighed, "I guess we never did. Things happened so fast. Within a few hours of leaving her office I had two new members on my team, and I was off to fight another battle. I didn't see her again until after the mission through the Omega 4 relay, and that day ended with her almost getting killed twice and us jumping half way across the galaxy to take down a very powerful enemy. It just never came up."

"It never came up," the doctor repeated. "Similar to the way you never got around to talking about the death of Liara's mother." Holding up her hand to stop the protest she could see coming from commander the doctor continued, "I'm not trying to judge you, or berate you for this commander. I'm simply trying to point out that there seem to be a number of communication gaps in your relationship. Do you agree?"

Slumping back in her chair Shepard sighed yet again, "You're right, of course. It's just, I don't know. We've been through so much, we've lost so much over the past ten years. Why dwell on the past?"

"Because you don't want to repeat the same mistakes in the future," Dr. Cooper answered softly. "Speaking of the future, how much have you and your wife talked about your plans for having children?"

Squirming slightly in her seat Shepard answered, "We've talked about the fact that we both want kids. I know Liara is still young by asari standards, but our medical doc assures us she is healthy enough for children. And between my salary and her inheritance from her mother, as well as the money we've saved over the years, we are financially secure."

"Have you spoken about how this will effect your life together? Children are a wonderful thing commander, but have you honestly sat down and talked about the emotional aspects of bringing another life into your family?"

"No." Was the simple reply.

"Ok. So communicating about the big issues is something we need to work on, do you agree?"

"Yes." Came the one word answer from the woman grazing at the floor.

"Commander, you have fought and won numerous battles against all odds. You died, only to return and save the galaxy from annihilation. You lost the love of your life, only to win her back, marry her, and plan to start a family with her," Dr. Cooper said, watching the facial muscles of the officer twitch as she spoke. "Despite all of this, I have a feeling my assignment for you this week may be the hardest thing you have done."

Shepard raised her eyes, looking at the older woman seated behind the desk. It felt as if ice was running through her blood as she waited for the "homework".

"Between now and next week, when we will meet again, this time with your wife, I want you to compose a letter. In this letter I want you to talk about how you felt after your resurrection, how Liara made you feel. And I want you to outline any concerns you have about starting a family, no matter how small they may seem." The doctor locked eyes with her, "And I want you to be honest and open in this letter. But don't give it to your wife."

"What? Why?" The confused commander asked.

"Because you are going to give it to her next time we all meet so we can discuss it openly and calmly in this office." Shepard nodded, trepidation evident on her face as the doctor continued, "I know this will be hard. You want to protect your wife from any pain, emotional or other wise, I can see that. But you need to be honest with her, and with yourself Commander. Please trust me."


	9. Living with Loss

AN at the end  
>Bioware owns all<p>

As Liara sat quietly in the waiting area of the doctor's office, an uneasy feeling lingered at the back of her mind. Two days prior when her wife had returned from her own session, the sadness in her eyes was evident. Shepard has refused to speak about the session, just saying that it brought up old pains and regrets...

They had spent most of the night in silence, eating dinner and working on their own paper work. From her seat in the den Liara studied her bond-mate, the tension clearly evident in her posture.

Shepard had been sitting at her desk growling at her monitor since they finished eating. Every now and again she would angry pound on the keyboard or let out a disgruntled sigh.

Determined to get to the bottom of her lover's frustration the normally restrained asari abandoned her own work and moved to stand behind the human's chair. Running her fingers through the short hair, Liara gently scraped her fingernails along Shepard's scalp, eliciting a low moan from her bond-mate.

Applying firm pressure to her neck with blue thumbs she leaned forward and whispered softly into her ear, "Shepard, my love, that computer has done nothing to cause you harm, yet you feel the need to attack it every five minutes. Perhaps we can think of another outlet for your energy?"

The spectre's quickness had not dulled over the years and in the blink of an eye the young asari found herself in her lover's arms, pinned against the back of the now empty chair.

The kiss was not soft, nor was it gently, her bottom lip was being assaulted and chewed before her mind had time to register the fact that strong hands were gripping her hips, keeping her from moving.

Even more surprising was the moan that escaped the maiden's own throat at as a thigh was roughly forced between her own legs.

_"By the goddess, I never knew her to be so forceful, so possessive..."_ Liara thought to herself.

Blushing, Liara shook her head as if to physically clear the memories of that night. Their joining that night had been passionate, and vigorous. She has specifically chosen today's outfit to cover the mark on her shoulder left by her partner during a particularly powerful orgasm.

_"She had said she was a biter,"_ she thought just as the doctor called her into the office.

"Good afternoon Dr. T'Soni. It is a pleasure to see you again," Dr. Cooper greeted warmly as they took their seats.

"Good Afternoon."

"It seemed you were lost in thought out there, is everything ok?" The psychiatrist asked as she organized her notes for the session.

"Everything is fine," Liara replied, a blush sneaking on to her face.

"Good, well then, as you know I met with Ryan earlier this week, alone. And today, I wanted to speak to you alone, just to see where you are at mentally and emotionally without your partner being around."

Liara nodded, "Yes, of course. Your appointment with Shepard seem to have an effect on her. She would not tell me of what you spoke, but it was obvious that you said something that has made her lose herself in thought these past days."

The doctor nodded, "In our next session, the three of us will talk about some of the issues that were brought up both in her session and anything that comes out of our meeting today. One thing I would like to ask, as we begin, I've noticed you tend to refer to your partner by her last name, except when you are trying to get her attention. Is there a reason behind that?"

"I never really noticed, doctor. When we first met, she was Commander Ryan Shepard, hero of the Blitz, soon to be Savior of the Citadel. It was not until after we stopped Saren that she asked me to call her by her first name..."

_It was five days since the defeat of Saren, and the first time Liara and Shepard had really been alone._

_Liara wrapped her arms gently around Shepard's neck, her fingers teasing the short hairs there, "Well then, how would you classify our current relationship status Shepard?"_

_"Ryan," Shepard said, "It's not the best first name, but I'm stuck with it. I'd like you to use it Liara."_

_"Ok, Ryan..." the name felt funny as it left her mouth, for months she had become use to Commander or Shepard, even in her private thoughts, but Liara would try._

_"As for our relationship," the commander said softly, leaning her forehead against Liara's, "I don't know what to call it. But I do know I don't want it to end, and I don't plan on letting you go anytime soon. We just saved the galaxy babe, I think you will agree that we have earned the right just to enjoy ourselves for a while..." With that, the human leaned in and kissed her lover deeply, her hands applying gentle pressure to the small of her back._

"That was the first time she had asked me to call her by her first name. I felt very privileged at the time." Liara sad softly. "What changed, why did you stop using it?"

"I am not entirely sure doctor," the asari replied, her eyes scanning the floor beneath her feet. "When Shep...when Ryan returned to me on Illium, I was forced to distance myself from her. I called her "Commander" or "Shepard" to keep myself becoming attached, and I guess I found it hard to revert to the old form address once we rekindled our relationship."

"And now, years later, you still refer to your wife by her last name?" The doctor's question was answered by a silent nod from her patient. "Do you think, that possibly, you are still trying to distance yourself from her? Maybe on some subconscious level?"

Sitting taller in her seat the maiden frowned as she stared down the doctor, "I would never want to distance myself from her. I have felt the pain of having my bond-mate ripped away from me. That is not an experience I wish to repeat." Liara dropped her eyes again after her last sentence, the memories of the destruction of the Normandy threatening to overwhelm her.

"I understand watching your partner die must have been a horrible experience, could it be that your unwillingness to call her by her first name may, in a small way, be your way of protecting yourself from the fact that someday you may lose her again?"

"I..." Liara swallowed hard, the tightness in her throat was equaled by the tightness in her chest, "I cannot lose her again."

Standing and moving around her desk, the doctor offered a tissue to the young woman. Leaning back against the desk the doctor watched her try to collect herself. It was obvious this fear of losing her spouse again was strong in the young woman.

"Liara," she said gently, "I understand you are still very young by asari standards, and yet you have already been through a lot of pain. I wonder, have you and Commander Shepard spoke about what will happen when she reaches the end of her natural life span? Baring any unforeseen disaster, she will pass long before you my dear."

Taking a breath, Liara looked up in the warm understanding face of the psychiatrist, "We have not discussed it, no. It is something we both understand will happen some day, but we choose to concentrate on the time we have together." She repeated the line she had told herself many times.

"With Shepard's life style, her career choice, I understand that on any given day she could parish." Liara continued after a pause. "I can not say that I am prepared for the day I lose her, whether it be to an attack, or old age, or..something else. I know when that day comes it will be just as bad, if not worse than the first time I lost her." The sadness in her voice was undeniable, her eyes were distant, unfocused.

"It sounds like you have thought a lot about this." The doctor prodded.

"I will not kid myself doctor by pretending that I will never again feel the pain of losing the love of my life, I *know* she will leave me, be it in death or by other means, but I do not wish to dwell on that notion." Liara's whispered in a small, almost child like voice.

"Liara," Doctor Cooper said softly, then waited until her patient met her gaze before continuing, "Have you spoke to Ryan about how much her loss hurt you?"

"I...She does not...We do not talk about that time in our life. She knows, through our joinings, that during the time following her death I was forced to do many things I am not proud of. I am sure she understands how...lost...I felt without her, but I do not wish to add to her burden."

"She has protected the galaxy, she does not need to protect me." Liara sat taller as she finished her words. She knew Shepard would always protect her, but she wanted to prove she was no longer a child.

Sitting in the vacant chair normally occupied by Commander Shepard, the doctor decided to change tactics, "Tell me Liara, how did you and the commander become engaged?"

The maiden could not stop the blush the swept over her as the memory of that night flashed in her mind, "It all started with a misunderstanding..."

**AN: And this is where we left off two years ago….anyone else interested to see how this story goes from here? I sure am…**


	10. Bartenders and Bracelets

CH 9 Bartenders and Bracelets

Bioware owns all.

The maiden could not stop the blush the swept over her as the memory of that night flashed in her mind, "It all started with a misunderstanding..."

…_the bar was brightly lit by artificial sunlight, but the faces of people quickly rushing around made the Citadel seem dimmer then in the past. The war had begun. The home worlds of the Asari, the Humans, and the Turians had all been hit…hit hard…by the Reaper fleets. Deaths numbered in the hundreds of millions. Liara had spent every waking hour pouring over the newsfeed, stopping only to grab some food or a small nap. Today however she sat at the bar in the small café talking to her father, waiting on her lover to join them._

"_It is not like that father! Why must every conversation we have turn to the topic of my sex life?" Liara hissed quietly at smug looking matriarch, nervously glancing around to see if anyone had overheard._

"_Like of a sex life is more like it. All I'm saying is both of you look like you could use some stress release, shits getting nasty out there, take an hour or two to help that human of your forget her burden, make her scream and beg for release. Thrust me, you'll both thank me later." Aethyta said before downing another shot…._

"My father and I had only recently become acquainted. She is not what you would typically expect from an Asari matriarch." Liara said shyly.

"I'd like to hear more about her, you hardly mention her. Maybe in a future appointment. For now, please continue." The doctor prodded gently.

"I was waiting for Ryan to join us, she said she had a gift for me, and I thought it would be a nice chance to catch up with my father. We all had so little free time with the war and everything…."

_It was at that moment Liara saw Shepard walking towards them, and she sent a silent prayer of thanks to the Goddess above. If she was forced to sit through another minute of conversation with her father she might start wish the Reapers would appear. Standing she hugged her commander close and kissed her gently, "Shepard, I am so glad you could come."_

"_Wouldn't have missed it babe. Sorry I'm running late, had to rake Tevos over the coals after that last disaster. What have I missed?" she asked, glancing between the blushing maiden and the smirking bartender._

"_I was just explaining to my daughter how the two of you…" Aethyta started to say before being cut off_

"_Father was just saying how happy she is we are both alive and well, right father?" Liara struck the older asari with a glare reminiscent of her mother._

"_Sure kid, whatever."_

_Sensing the tension Shepard coughed slightly then spoke, "Anyway….the reason I wanted to meet up with you Li, is I know we haven't had much time together lately, outside of missions we haven't really seen each other at all. And as cute as you look in your armor with a pistol in hand, the battle field is no place to be giving out gifts." _

_Liara smiled and took a drink of her asari wine, "I agree we have both been very busy my love." Another glare was sent across the bar reminding her father to keep her mouth shut._

"_Well I got you a little gift, it's not much, but I thought you could wear it under your armor, since you wouldn't keep my dog-tags. The asari at the store helped me pick out the colors, saying they each mean something different…I thought I was kind of cool they have a whole store here just for braclets…anyway I'm rambling. I hope you like it." With that she pulled out a small blue box with a white lace ribbon and handed it to Liara._

_Liara tried to keep her face neutral, but her emotions were running haywire. Shock, disbelief, humor, and some embarrassment for her poor lover all ran through her mind…_

_Opening the lid she looked inside, and swallowed hard…"Shepard…it is…"_

"_Oh for fucks sake this is priceless," Aethyta said, reinserting herself in to the conversation, "Did you just give my daughter a bond bracelet and not even ask me first?" Her barking laughter rang out across the bar._

"_A bond bracelet?...I…Um…huh?" Shepard looked confused, and scared._

"_Yes my love," Liara finally found the words, "This type of bracelet is typically given when one partner wants to make the relationship permanent, similar to your human engagement ring. Is that what you are trying to do?" Liara tried to hide the humor from her eyes, enjoying watching her lover squirm just a bit…._

"Doctor," Liara continued laughing softly, "If you could see the great savior of the galaxy in that moment, the fear in her eyes as she looked between my father and I….That is the Shepard I fell in love with, not the one in the Vids that always has the right answers."

"How did she respond?" The doctor asked with a warm smile.

"Well, after turning an alarming shade of red, even for a human, she managed to explain that no, that was not her attention but, and I quote "Sure, why the hell not." Not exactly the romantic proposal I envisioned in my youth, but it was a hundred percent Shepard, and that is all that mattered to me."

The doctor nodded in understanding, and after a brief consult with her notes she continued, careful to gage the reaction to her next question evoked, "I see. I can tell you are truly in love with the Commander. I would like to ask you about the time that she was declared dead for two years, only to rise again, so to speak. How did that effect your relationship?"

The change was almost instantaneous in the young asari. The soft smile and warm eyes that had been present during the conversation about their engagement were quickly replaced by tight lips and a thousand yard stare the psychologist had seen in many of her PTSD patients following the war. The color seemed to drain out of the bashful blue face, and what was left was a pale, angry looking version of the maiden who had just been laughing about her bondmate's misunderstanding.

"That time was rather…difficult for myself, and all the crew of the Normandy SR-1." Liara replied simply.

"I'm sure it was my dear, as we talked about just a while ago the death of a partner can be very painful. One would think you were to have felt over joyed at her return, and yet you say you had to distance yourself from her. May I ask why?"

Liara looked down, thumbing her bondmate bracelet for a long moment before speaking, "Doctor, much of what happened to me during the two years that Shepard was…gone…is still heavily classified, and must remain so, but what I can say is that I did a number of things, made a number of decisions, that changed me at a core level. I could not ask Shepard to take the time to listen to my story, to hear me explain why I had done the things I had done, not when she had such an important mission to undertake." Sighing heavily she added, "I know you think I was protecting myself, and in some ways I may have been, but at the same time I was shielding her from the person I had become. She needed to be focus on the mission, not on me."

Nodding the doctor continued for her, "And after the mission, after you reconnected, the issue was still not fully addressed, am I correct?"

"You are." Came the simple reply.

"Well then, I think you will agree that there is some work to be done before we start adding to your family. For your homework, before you and Shepard both come to see me next week for a double session, I would like you to write a letter to the Commander, explaining exactly what it felt like to lose her, and how you changed over those months. Be honest, don't try to protect her from anything you think she may not want to hear. Do not show her this letter, we will review it together here in a safe and open place."

AN: dun dun dun, first new chapter in 2 plus years, hope it was worth the wait. I've got a ton of appointments myself tomorrow but might be able to squeeze out a little chapter, we shall see. Review if you would like, or PM me. Thanks for reading.

TUT


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